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No one can fix your world for you.
Everything you need to be happy
and fulfilled is already inside you.
You simply need to understand how to use it.
Then you can find peace,
and begin to love yourself.
Introduction by Faust Ruggiero, M.S.
We are now two and a half years into the Coronavirus pandemic. For the most part, we have resumed our lives back to post pandemic. However, we still need to fix ourselves to live a happy, healthy and balanced life no matter what life brings us. Faust Ruggiero, M.S. wrote The Fix Yourself Handbook: Using the Process Way of Life to Transform Your Life into a Happy, Healthy Journey in 2020 as the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic was beginning to change life as we knew it.
In the meantime, people were getting anxious. Because people had never experienced a pandemic like this before, they didn’t know what to expect. Because they didn’t know what to expect, they panicked. In his book, Ruggiero encourages people to learn to fix themselves. The way they can fix themselves is to use what Ruggiero refers to as the “Process Way of Life”, which will eventually lead to the ultimate goal of the program, internal balance.
Book Summary
Ruggiero begins the book by defining each process by category. The processes range from Personal Inventory to Pure Love.
The book consists of a series of issues people face that. They range from living in the moment and forgiveness to people pleasing and gratitude. By following the suggestions Ruggiero sets out at the end of each chapter, the reader can begin to fix themselves based on the processes named at the beginning of each chapter.
Ruggiero then encourages readers to take the principles. or processes, he outlines to begin the process of fixing their lifestyle so they can begin to live a healthier life. He follows this by suggesting a declaration of life that readers can begin to use in their lives. Ruggiero encourages readers to go onward by putting the processes they learned into practice and begin the process of fixing themselves.
Chapter Summary
Each chapter begins with the topic to be covered. It is followed by a brief slogan highlighting the chapter’s message. Below the slogan are specific “Processes to Employ”. Some of these processes include:
- Fact-Finding
- Brutal Honesty
- Intellect Over Emotion
- Slowing Down Life’s Pace
In each chapter, Ruggiero first presents the problem. Next, he begins to discuss the problem that will help the reader understand it. There is a section following each chapter that challenges the reader that it is “Time to Take Action”. This section features action steps the reader can use to help them fix the problem. For each problem, Ruggiero presents the Present/Understand/Fix principle. The chapter concludes with a “Declaration” to help the reader move forward with the topic of the chapter. “Driving It Home” discusses what the reader should have learned from reading the chapter. A statement on what the reader’s new declaration should be after adapting the processes follows. Finally, a brief “Onward” piece introduces the next chapter.
Why Fixing Yourself is So Important
The problems and their solutions Ruggiero addresses affects everyone. the challenges mentioned are those everyone can identify with in one way or another. Because people tend to lead fast paced lives, the book is designed for them, Ruggiero noted. However, for people who are depressed, not motivated to help themselves, lack a sense of direction or feel lethargic, he suggests that “it makes good sense to visit a physician to determine if anything is affecting you on a physical level. Start there first”.
Why Asking for Assistance is Crucial
Ruggiero suggests throughout the book that readers talk to someone they trust rather than try to go through the steps he points out first. As Ruggiero notes, life “is about options, and having others to support you through the tough times is, at times, one of those options”. People tend to believe they don’t need anyone’s help to get through life’s challenges. But Ruggiero suggests they should be ready to seek assistance to supplement the advice he offers.
Examples of Processes Used
Ruggiero begins with processes including Fact Finding, Brutal Honesty, I over E, or Intellect Over Emotion, and Slowing Down Life’s Pace as the foundation of his program. He added that without these four processes, “little will change in your life if you don’t use them properly”. Because these are the basic steps in fixing yourself, Ruggiero presents them at the beginning of each chapter.
Other Processes Used
There are other processes that are used to help the reader begin to fix their behaviors in dealing with challenges. Here are a few examples:
- Surrendering to the Process: Alternate terms: Trust, Faith, and Dignity.
- Cleaning House: Related terms: Life Inventory, Eliminating Toxic People, and Boundry-Setting.
- Living The Journey: Alternate terms: Reduction of Destination Living, One-Day-at-a-Time Living and Living in the Moment.
- Eyes on the Prize: Related terms: Goal setting, Time/Energy Management, and Risk-Taking
Ruggiero uses other processes for which are no alternative terms, including:
- Commitment
- Gratitude
- Internal Balance
- Pure Love
These are the processes that Ruggiero hopes the reader would learn to begin to fix themselves. For example, Commitment suggests that dedication to the Process Way of Life takes time; making time to commit to the process is “essential to ensure its success”. Achieving Internal Balance is the program’s goal in which “our physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attributes operate in a state of enhanced equilibrium”. The reader should strive for these goals. If they do this, they can truly fix themselves so they can live a happy and balanced despite the challenges and problems they may face.
Using the Processes – Two Examples
Two examples of habits people use that get them in trouble and unable to cope with life are Living in the Moment and Setting and Defending Boundaries. Each problem will be presented, preceded by the processes Ruggiero suggests the reader use to “fix themselves”. If these processes are used as recommended, the reader will be able to live a life that enables them to live in internal balance, gratitude and pure love instead of chaos.
Living In the Moment
In this chapter, Ruggiero begins with the following statement:
Say goodbye to your past and plan for your future but understand that you only have control of the present moment. Focus your energies there.
Processes Employed
The processes Ruggiero uses in this chapter include:
- Brutal honesty.
- Present/understand/fix.
- Keeping life simple.
- Journey living.
- Settling past issues.
Introduction
People have a tendency to move back and forth from what happened in the past and what they think may happen in the future. However, Ruggiero suggests that the energy used to move back and forth from the past and the future is better spent “focusing on what is happening now“. While Ruggiero understands that everyone has past experiences, good and bad, he also notes that the energy used to focus on those experiences is needed “to efficiently function in today”. If this is not done, people will continue to redirect energy needed to function in the here and now to “times and places that have no life in the present”.
The Need for Internal Balance in Our Lives
This requires the ability to understand the idea of internal balance. Internal balance “means giving equal attention to our physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attributes”. Ruggiero gives examples of how each attribute creates a power source that can be used in each aspect of our lives.
Physical
Initially, Ruggiero asks the reader to recall a time when they felt stressed over a past experience, or “worrying about some potential future event”. The more stress a person feels, the more people begin to feel it physically. For example, a person’s heartbeat starts “to move a bit faster”. Ruggiero reminds the reader that stress “causes physical changes, so it would make sense to do something to minimize the physical acceleration that coincides with stressful events”. Stress affects a person’s health. In addition to their heartbeat, they tend to breathe faster, and their blood pressure goes up.
How Slow Breathing Improves Physical Health
When people become stressed, the first thing that is affected is their breathing, which becomes shallower and faster. Ruggiero suggests when people slow their breathing and take deeper and more elaborate breaths, it helps them in two ways:
- “It causes your body to decelerate so you can gain more control of how you are feeling physically.
- It automatically causes your mind to refocus on something you are doing in the very moment: your breathing. This then helps you to increase your control over the moment you are living in”.
The Benefits of Focusing on Your Breathing
When people begin to focus on their breathing, and begin to breathe slowly, the body begins to relax. The key, Ruggiero found, is to become comfortable by sitting down, walking around your home or simply lying down. When people start with such a simple approach to their breathing, they tackle their breathing at its most basic point. People can begin to focus on redirecting their intellectual energy on the present moment.
Intellectual
Once you redirect your breathing, the reader can begin to say to themselves, “That hasn’t come yet, so I’m not going to think about that now”. Ruggiero also encourages readers to think about past events they no longer can do anything about by thinking to themselves “That’s over, I can’t change what occurred, and I need to move on”. Subsequently, the reader can begin to “gain a bit more control over how you are thinking and feeling, because it helps you make a conscious choice”. Focusing on thoughts like “I will not think about that” helps them feel empowered in the present instead of continuing to feel victimized about things that happened in the past.
Taking Small Steps
Ruggiero acknowledges that while change is not easy, “life change starts with small steps”. Thinking thoughts like “I will not think about this” instead of “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough” is difficult at first. In time, however, thinking these phrases will help the person leave the pain of their past behind. Consequently, they learn to feel empowered and confident to deal with future challenges. Ruggiero wrote that a person’s mind may have been trained to have these thoughts in the past. He also encourages the reader that it is possible to “talk yourself into the moment you are living in”.
Training the Brain from Negative to Positive Self-Talk
The process of going from negative to positive self-talk “just takes some time”, Ruggiero wrote. Eventually, it will begin to work if the process is repeated continually. Ruggiero encourages the reader. When you “continue to talk yourself into the moment you are living in, the power the past and the future have over you will begin to diminish”. You didn’t learn to think negative thoughts overnight. Subsequently, thinking positive thoughts won’t happen overnight either. But, learning to live in the moment thinking positive thoughts can happen. Once you learn to breathe slower and focus on the present, the next step is learning to live in the moment emotionally.
Emotional
The emotional part of learning to live in the moment requires “marking the moment”, which is a “a two-step process that begins by identifying (marking) and focusing on something you see in the present moment” This can be a person, object or anything else the reader can focus on in the moment. When the reader does this, Ruggiero said, their attention is directed to something that is occurring in the present that is right in front of them. The living-in-the-moment experience should be positive. As a result, the reader should focus their attention on something they like.
Developing Your Mark
Once the reader has identified their mark, they should enhance their mark. What this means, Ruggiero wrote, is that the reader should focus on something that makes them feel good about themselves. Once that is done, the reader should assign a positive meaning to it. This is done by the reader thinking to themselves “I really like the way that makes me feel, or I love when I do that”. Once the reader “talks it up”, the present is “a more attractive place to be”.
Marking and Enhancing in a Positive Way
Ruggiero emphasized that people “usually reinforce the negative moments”. However, learning to reinforce the positive moments is possible. Instead of people telling themselves how much they don’t like something, or how bad it makes them feel, Ruggiero said people can learn to do the opposite. People have already been marking and reinforcing negatively. However, Ruggiero wrote all people need to do is switch their energy and attention in a positive way. It should be something they like in the present. Eventually, Ruggiero wrote, the reader will find using positive language to reverse their thoughts will have positive influence, and eventually stop using negative language and thinking negative thoughts. Once people learn to focus on something positive that helps them feel better about themselves, they can move on to “a higher power” that helps them truly live in the moment.
Spiritual
The final part of Ruggiero’s plan focuses on the spiritual aspect of our existence. Some people support spirituality vigorously. However, others prefer to do it “in moderation” and others prefer to “deny it altogether”. Benefits of spirituality include praying to God or a “higher power”, depending on your individual beliefs. Some people practice meditation or mindfulness. Ruggiero defines spirituality as a connection to the spirit within that keeps you grounded in the here and now. In addition, spirituality “is where you will find your inner peace”.
Meditation
One “of the most simple and straightforward ways to connect with your spirituality is to learn simple meditation”. Meditation “helps you move to a relaxed level of consciousness where you can experience life in a more balanced state”. Ruggiero suggests the reader meditate for at least 20 minutes per day. Benefits of meditation include:
- “Increased immune function.
- Decreased pain.
- Spiritual connectivity.
- Increased positive emotion.
- Decreased depression.
- Decreased anxiety.
- Increased mental clarity”.
How To Successfully Meditate
Ruggiero suggests one of the most beneficial ways to include meditation into a reader’s life is to include it in the breathing exercises included above. Ruggiero suggests combining meditation with breathing exercises by doing the following:
- Sitting quietly and breathing slowly.
- Clearing your mind or focusing on totally and completely nothing.
- Refocus your mind on your breathing if thoughts come into your mind.
Using a Mantra while Meditating
Ruggiero suggests a mantra such as “om” while exhaling to help keep your mind clear while meditating. A mantra can be used silently or loudly while meditating. Once you become more skillful at meditating, “you will also begin to connect to the spiritual part of your life”. In addition, once you are able to connect to the spiritual part of your life while meditating, you “will feel more refreshed, have more energy, and your mind will find it easier to stay in the moment”.
Declaration
I live where my life is happening.
Setting and Defining Boundaries
Ruggiero begins with chapter with the following statement:
They love to rearrange your life. They are the boundary thieves. Remove your lines from the sand, and take your life back.
Processes Employed
The processes used by Ruggiero in this chapter include:
- Brutal honesty
- I Over E
- Present/Understand/Fix
- Slowing Down Life’s Pace
- Boundary-Setting
- Conflict Resolution
- Eliminating Toxic People
- Gatekeeping
- Intelligent Decision-Making
- Truth-Telling
Introduction
Everyone has boundaries. However, some people are better than setting them than others. Ruggiero points out that “boundaries are different from walls because we consciously set them not only to protect ourselves, but to help us define how we want to live our lives”. Boundaries are defined as “personally set limitations” that are established so people can see them and (hopefully) respect them. They are a reflection of our personal preferences. Finally, boundaries are added in our lives “primarily for physical, intellectual, and emotional control, and sometimes, to keep us safe”. Ruggiero points out that people can begin to fix themselves by setting boundaries. Once they set boundaries, people can continue to keep their lives in balance.
Setting Limits to Boundaries While Keeping Our Lives in Balance
We generally have a good idea of how close we want the people we have contact with to get close to us and how much we want to share with them. It greatly depends on how much we trust people. While we know our loved ones will respect our boundaries, it is “not always the case”. Ruggiero shares how setting “healthy boundaries supports our four balanced life attributes”:
- Physical boundaries – you are not being touched when you don’t want to be, nor in a manner that you don’t want to be touched. It can also mean a specific amount of space you would rather not be violated by others.
- Intellectual boundaries – simply not sharing information about yourself that you would rather not share with others.
- Emotional boundaries – “you are protecting your feelings”, and are reluctant to share with others because “they may leave you open and vulnerable.”
- Spiritual boundaries – not allowing spiritual attacks. These attacks include someone telling you are being foolish because you either believe in a “higher power” that can’t be proved scientifically or believe in something that is considered unconventional.
How to Set Efficient Boundaries
Ruggiero recommends using the following steps to set effective boundaries while using the four internal attributes:
- Physical – people incorporate boundaries into their lives to protect themselves physically. No one “should have the right to touch you unless you are giving them permission”.
- Intellectual – people have boundaries regarding which information they keep to themselves, and what they choose to make public. It is a “simple conscious evaluative process where you decide how much you want to disclose about yourself or anything about you”.
- Emotional – people have feelings that should be respected. It is essential that people determine for themselves “how much of your emotions you are going to make available to others”.
- Spiritual – a person’s spirituality protects their inner peace. No one should ever be allowed to “willfully attack your spiritual preferences”.
Healthy Boundary Setting
Ruggiero recommends seven principles designed to help people set boundaries in a healthy manner, fixing themselves in the process:
- “Examine the facts relevant to any person or situation.
- Keep your emotions to a minimum, and your decisions based on the facts.
- Go slow, so you may examine information productively.
- Look for those red flags, and exercise caution in potentially toxic situations.
- Be brutally honest in your assessment of others. Make no excuses for them.
- Make a personal likes-versus-dislikes list. Use it to start setting your boundaries.
- Once you set your boundaries, stick with them. Let no one violate your boundaries or coerce you into changing them.”
Deciding How to Set Boundaries
In order to fix yourself, it is important to that people understand how they really feel about themselves and the people in their lives. Ruggiero emphasized that boundaries can be all-inclusive, such as those connected to morality and honesty. Boundaries can also be “very specific” about certain subjects or people. He suggested that people begin to set boundaries once they consider specific situations in their lives. If people feel anxious or unsettled about setting boundaries in certain situations, they should “slow down, reevaluate the information”, and come to a decision on how to move forward. Ruggiero advises talking about the situation with someone you trust.
The Challenges of Setting Boundaries
Ruggiero wrote that just because you have decided to set boundaries doesn’t mean everyone will automatically respect them. Some people “may not be so willing to respect your personal borders”. He said that setting boundaries is only the first step. However, it is up to you to defend your boundaries and stick to them. Setting boundaries is only the “first step in the process”. But everyone cannot be depended on to “be part of the plan”. People can violate your boundaries intentionally or unintentionally. You don’t set boundaries only to have others tear it down or to “expand it to accommodate their desires”. If someone tries to tear down a boundary you’ve set, “it’s a clear indication to them that their assault can work, and they will try it again”.
Changing and/or Expanding Boundaries
Certain factors can cause people to either eliminate or expand a boundary under pressure, including:
- Peer pressure
- Relationship issues
- Personal insecurities
- Fears
- Risks
No matter what kind of factor(s) people find themselves under when they’re tempted to change and/or expand their boundaries to pleases others, Ruggiero cautions the reader to never, ever cave into eliminating/changing their boundaries. He also stresses that you, “and you alone, set your boundaries, and you, and you alone make the decision to change them”.
Choosing to Change Boundaries
In order to fix yourself to live a healthy and balanced life, it is crucial to only change a boundary after giving it some serious thought and then having a plan to carry it forward. Ruggiero gives the example of choosing to get a tattoo. You may have chosen not to get it initially because you thought it was unsanitary, made you look shoddy and family members may disapprove. However, you begin doing research on the pros and cons of getting a tattoo.
Then, Ruggiero continues, “you might decide where you want to go to get one, how big it should be, and where on your body you’d like to have it drawn”. This is how Ruggiero defines healthy boundary expansion. You decided to expand your boundary yourself instead of giving in to peer pressure to get a tattoo. Peer pressure is an effective way to kill a boundary, because it “causes conflict and insecurity”. When you choose to expand a boundary, ultimately, you are the only one who has to live with that choice.
Signs of Boundaries Expanded Without a Plan
Ruggiero points out that people experience unrest when their boundaries are expanded either by you or someone else. It is an unhealthy choice. He outlines how the four basic attributes to living a balanced life may be affected by expanding boundaries without a plan, including:
- Physically – you “experience yourself going a bit too fast as your body reacts to an accelerated pace”,
- Intellectually – you “feel some conflict since the information may tell you that something is not the way it should be”.
- Emotionally – you “might feel some anxiety as your emotions begin to take over”,
- Spiritually – you realize “your inner peace is reduced”.
Following Your Instincts and Expanding Boundaries
You may have heard the old saying “trust your instincts” when making a decision about any major life decision. Expanding your boundaries without a plan that only you implemented is trusting your instincts instead of listening to peer pressure tempting you to change your boundaries.
Throughout your life, you set, and expand, boundaries for different reasons. Boundaries set in your 20s are much different than those set in your 60s because life experiences change the need for certain boundaries. When you move forward on boundaries, you should “use your intellect, be honest with yourself, go slow, and get the facts”. People should only move forward with boundary expansion once they are content with their decision. Finally, “a decision to change a boundary should reflect growth, better understanding of self, and increases in personal security and self-esteem”. Changing boundaries without regret and physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual pain is one of the best ways to fix yourself.
How to Keep Boundaries Despite Challenges
You have specific boundaries. But they are not always respected. Ruggiero gives an example of a candy dish at work. Some employees raid the candy dish without permission, and “you tell everyone that you would prefer if they would ask your permission before they indulged themselves”. Unfortunately, candy is still missing from the dish without anyone asking for permission. Subsequently, you repeat your request to them “in no uncertain terms, including what may happen if they repeat the behavior”.
Defending Boundaries Without Anger
There is a way to defend your boundaries in situations like this without becoming angry. People simply need to express over and over again and in no uncertain terms their initial statement. They must stress that the boundaries they set are non-negotiable, and then stick to it. Sticking to boundaries regardless of pressure is an excellent way to fix yourself to a balanced life. People need to be able to verbalize their “initial assertion, and let the other people know you are unwilling to move from that point”. And then stick to it
How to Avoid Becoming an Easy Mark
You risk becoming an easy mark if people see you’re giving in to pressure to change your boundaries. Sticking to your boundaries despite pressure is the best way to avoid becoming a pushover. People “will continue to make attempts to help you reset your boundaries to meet their needs”, unless they realize that you are serious about sticking with your boundaries. Eventually, they will give up because you are not that easily influenced. Ruggiero reminds the reader “they are your boundaries not theirs”, and to keep “it that way”.
Setting Boundaries Slowly and Thoughtfully
Sticking with your boundaries despite pressure to do otherwise is an excellent way to fix yourself. Ruggiero wrote that it takes time to set, establish and keep boundaries. Boundaries require time to “think, to plan, and finally, to defend your boundaries”, and must have a specific plan in place to succeed.
The reader should choose a few people in their life they can trust with their boundaries. The reader needs to let them know in no uncertain terms what “you think, how you feel, and how far you’re willing to go in any situation”. Ruggiero concludes the chapter by telling the reader it’s their life. They are the ones to choose how to run their life, not others.
Declaration
I will live in my space, according to my rules.
Final Thoughts
It takes a great deal of time and thought to go through the processes recommended to take steps to fix yourself and then stick with it. For additional suggestions on how to fix yourself and live a balanced life despite life’s issues, it is recommended to read The Fix Yourself Handbook: Using the Process Way of Life to Transform Your Life into a Happy, Healthy Journey. You will be glad you did.
About The Author
From Faust Ruggiero’s website:
Faust A. Ruggiero’s professional career spans almost 40 years, and is diversified and compelling, as it has consistently established new and exciting cutting-edge counseling programs in its pursuit of professional excellence and personal life enhancement. He is a published research author, clinical trainer, and a therapist who has worked in settings that have included clinics for deaf children, prisons, nursing homes, substance abuse centers, inpatient facilities, major corporations, both national and international, and as the President of the Community Psychological Center in Bangor, Pennsylvania. In that capacity, he developed the Process Way of Life counseling program, and has developed it into a formal text presented in the Fix Yourself Handbook.
In the summer of 2016, Mr. Ruggiero decided to develop the Process Life Program into a text that can be published, and would help people in need address the difficult situations that are affecting their lives. The Fix Yourself Handbook was completed in December of 2019. On February 1st, 2020, The Fix Yourself Handbook received the Silver Award from The Nonfiction Authors Association. On May 2, 2020, it received the Gold Award from Literary Titan. On September 1st, 2020, it received the Bronze Award from Reader’s Favorite. He has appeared on television and radio shows, and podcasts discussing the Process Way of Life presented in The Fix Yourself Handbook both nationally and internationally. His radio show “Fix It with Faust” debuted in June of 2021, and The Fix Yourself Handbook II; The Journey Continues is currently in development.
