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Men and women each have their own unique ways of showing grief when a loved one passes away. Women are more likely to cry and show emotion than men are. It’s not that men don’t feel the pain of loss as intensely as women do, but men are encouraged to “keep a stiff upper lip” and work through their pain; they are considered weak if they become emotional. Research has shown that women want to talk out their grief; men prefer to take action as a coping mechanism for their grief. And there are many different ways to look at the difference between men and women when they grieve a loss.

Factors that Influence Grieving Style

Several factors affect mourning style for men and women. St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital found in August 2023 that these influences include:

• “Life experiences.
• Communication styles.
• Personality.
• Support systems.
• Past family experiences with grief.”

How Women Grieve Differently Than Men

Barbara Fane, LCSW found in 2015 that there are seven behaviors typical of men and women when they grieve, including:

Acceptance

Women: Women’s relationships with their parents, spouses, children and sibling are interconnected with their sense of self. As a result, when women lose those relationships through death, they may either have trouble believing the loss really occurred, or completely deny it. Men: Men are more likely to respond to a loss by believing that it is over, and they are ready to move on; this “is how some men need to emotionally respond even temporarily”.

Coping

Women: Women are more likely to feel an overpowering sense of hopelessness; as a result, their grief causes emotional uncertainty about the future. The feeling that one is having a “breakdown” is a normal part of the grieving process. However, the overwhelming sense of loss is temporary; “a good support system will help someone through it to attain a more stable pattern”. In addition, a “temporary medication regimen can be helpful in some cases”. Men: Men have a tendency to take charge and be in control with a strong attitude; they are more likely to cope with loss by informing family and friends, arranging the funeral/memorial service and notifying insurance companies of the loss.

Guilt

Women: Women are inclined to feel guilty about what they did or didn’t do; they are more likely to believe they are responsible for things they have no control over and feel certain the incident or death could have been prevented. Men: Men, in contract, have a similar response; they are more disposed to sort out their feelings to help “manage the situation at hand”.

Relief

Women: Women “become self-critical for fear of expressing inappropriate feelings”. Men: Although men may feel distraught and cry after a person’s death, they won’t feel guilty for feeling relief that the person passed away. Feelings ranging from guilt to relief following a loved one’s death following a long and difficult illness is a trigger for men and women.

Anger

Women: Women are not as likely to show anger while grieving their loss. Men: Men are more likely to be angry because the driver was careless and/or inattentive, the doctor made a mistake, or the storm that happened at the wrong time and caused the person’s death. Subsequently, men “have a need to hold someone accountable”.

Fear

Women: Women are more inclined to feel fear or mild paranoia while grieving; this process seems that women are fearful. However, they are also thinking about what they need “to do to function in the future”. Women are also more likely to ask questions such as

• What is going to happen?
• Is everyone going to be safe?
• Will I be able to get along without my loved one?
• Am I really able to do this?

Men: Men have a similar thought process regarding their need to take charge following a death. Unless the death was violent and they were present at the time, men generally are not fearful while grieving.

Physical Symptoms

Fane noted that women will become physically sick while internalizing their grief. Symptoms include sleeping too much or too little, no appetite, and complain of headaches and nausea. Although men may feel physically ill, they will either not mention it or be in denial that they are not feeling well because they are grieving, Fane found.

Intuitive vs. Instrumental Grief

Laurie L. Mason, MSSA, LISW-S writing for Hospice of the Western Reserve in 2018, said that grief expert and author Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D. found that the varied reactions of men and women while grieving could be characterized as intuitive and instrumental grief. He pointed out women have a tendency to grieve intuitively; they are more likely to express strong emotional reactions that are a reflection of how they feel inside. Men’s grief. is more likely to be instrumental, in that they are more inclined to exhibit more “thinking than feeling Task-oriented behaviors”.

Men and Women as Blended Grievers

However, Doka continued, “male patterns” and “female patterns” are actually more widely allocated than anticipated. While grief can be influenced by gender, it is “not determined by it”; men and women are “blended grievers”, in that their grieving styles are “somewhere in the middle”. Mason emphasized that men and women develop skills to help them cope during times of great distress in their lives. However, Mason continued, skills that help men and women cope with grief are also influenced by personality, temperament and the culture in which an individual lives. Subsequently, it depends on the individual and how they were raised to handle grief. Everyone, male and female, handles grief in their own unique way. Some become emotional, while others problem solve.

Helping Men Grieve

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, men tend to sort their feelings out, take action or feel angry when grieving, and be reluctant to seek support. Subsequently, men grieve on their own terms. While this may be part of the culture they grew up in, men ultimately jeopardize their health long term. Stephanie Thurrott, contributing writer for Banner Health, wrote in 2023 that there are several ways the women in men’s lives can help them cope with their loss; Thurrott also found that while some people may feel anger at their loved one for leaving them, others may be so upset that they can barely get out of bed. Jerimya Fox, a behavioral health specialist with Banner Health, suggested the following approaches for the people in men’s lives heal:

• Men keeping their feelings inside. They may feel pressured to keep their feelings to themselves. As a result, they want to keep them bottled up and not want to talk about it. Men may believe showing their feelings makes them emotionally weak and helpless; as a result, are unable to protect their family and friends unless they show strength. How loved ones can help: openly talk about grief to help him process his grief. It is beneficial for men to engage with family members to give them support while grieving. If men would rather process their feelings privately, journaling is recommended to help them find comfort in their grief.

• Men not recognizing the signs of grief. While men may anticipate feeling sad or lonely while grieving, they may not expect to also feel guilt, anger, fear or anxiety during the grieving process. In addition, men may not associate nausea, fatigue, pain, insomnia or weight gain or loss with grieving. How loved ones can help: family members can educate themselves about the physical and emotional symptoms of grief. A family member can encourage a man to visit a doctor if the above symptoms start to become worrisome.

• Men not being prepared for changes in grief as time goes by. Grief is not linear in that each passing day becomes easier. Emotions are very complicated; “grief may feel overwhelming” when a loss initially occurs. Eventually, men feel guilty if they are not feeling sad because their feelings are not as strong as they once were. Once men begin to be at peace with their loss, they may find “strong feelings resurfacing around a birthday, anniversary, holiday or the anniversary of the death”. They may also feel their loss more deeply at events such as weddings or graduations where the deceased loved one is not present. How loved ones can help. Men may reconsider participating in an upcoming event if it will be hard for them. Men have a choice to either want to continue to participate in activities as they had done for years, or “replace some traditions with new ones that don’t carry so many memories”. They can also choose to skip events that may be too difficult to face.

• Men trying to distract themselves. Men may use “distraction techniques to avoid thinking about or processing the loss”. Although it may be helpful in some cases, grieving becomes more difficult if it is ignored and will only get worse over time. How loved ones can help. Men should assess whether whatever they spend their time doing and thinking really helps them with their grieving process. Exercise, such as a short walk, is recommended as a way to distract themselves right after the loss occurs. Eventually, running or swimming “can release feel-good emotions called endorphins”. Spending time in nature is also a great help in dealing with loss.

Encouraging Men to Seek Support

Fox pointed out that while men may not realize they need support, they still need “support in some way with grief in their lives”. Men should be encouraged to talk to a spouse, family member or a friend, Fox added. A grief support group may be helpful to allow them to talk to people who are also grieving and who can help them process their grief. Support from someone would help men know they are not alone in their grief and there is someone to listen to them without making judgments or giving unsolicited advice.

Fox suggested that a man’s loved ones be mindful that men and women grieve differently while “understanding those differences can help family and friends provide support”. While a man’s loved ones may want to help him grieve, they may not sure how this can be done, Fox continued. Fox also recommended that while a man’s loved ones can soothe him while offering support, it is also helpful for family to realize their loved one may need to pull back if he is uncomfortable talking about his grief. He may choose to spend time with family and friends as a way to process his grief.

Stelzer, Atkinson, O’Connor and Croft writing in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology in 2019 found if people can talk about their loss, it ultimately helps them adjust to it. Stelzer, et al, found that while men suffered from depression and loneliness after a loss, they were less likely to talk how they felt about their loss due to fewer opportunities to share their grief with others. As a result, men feel uncertain and insecure because they are unable to talk openly about their grief. However, Stelzer, et al, found that men and women, who cope with their loss while struggling with their grief are more comfortable to share their feelings about their loss.

Grief in Masculine and Feminine Terms

Lisa Kunde of Grief and Loss Center wrote in 2016 that although men and women may grieve differently, it is important to understand that “people are more likely to grieve in a manner that resembles their way to dealing with life in general’. Kunde also added that women may grieve in a masculine manner, while men can grieve in ways that can be characterized as typically feminine. Because everyone grieves differently in ways that can be characterized as both masculine and feminine, there is no “one size fits all” way to grief. All men don’t keep to themselves or try to get on with life to deal with their pain any more than all women tell their story over and over again and feel guilty as they try to move on with their lives, Kunde pointed out.

Masculine grieving is portrayed as “feeling invisible, misunderstood, and unwanted”, Kunde found. A grieving person feels they have to deal with their grief alone because they fear being shamed or embarrassed while they are vulnerable, Kunde continued. Feminine grieving, Kunde points out, occurs when people share their feelings and articulate openly what they’re really feeling. People grieving in a feminine manner are also more likely to seek support and talk about their grief directly and honestly, Kunde added. Whether people grieve in a feminine or masculine manner, it is recommended that anyone who is grieving talk about their feelings. Eventually, they will begin to heal and continue to live their lives.

Conclusion

Stelzer, et al found if stereotypes involving gender differences in grieving are discredited, men and women alike who are bereaved will be encouraged to “seek the treatment they need, regardless of whether help seeking is in line with gendered expectations”. People grieve in their own unique way despite gender expectations. It may be the way they were brought up, or the way they manage problems in life in general. Men and women feel pain when they grieve the loss of a loved one; it is best if loved ones let them grieve in their own unique way. If it’s better to talk it out in a support group, that’s OK. If people feel angry due to the circumstances of the death, that’s OK, too. However, no one should not grieve alone; support in some form is best to help men and women heal and learn to continue to live their life without their loved one.

Reading Men Don’t Cry, Women Do: Transcending Gender Types of Grief contains additional information on the differences, and similarities of how men and women grieve. As one of the respondents in Stelzer’s, et al. study said, “I honor her by living the best way I can because she didn’t get to do it”. Although it is not known whether the respondent was male or female, anything that helps survivors make sense of the loss of a loved one is the best way to remember them.