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This is the third of a series of four articles on the Coronavirus and the unique grief it brings to everyone. This article follows Grieving a Death During A Pandemic.
About the Author
From her website, https://www.laurienadel.com/:
A journalist for the first 20 years of her career, Dr. Laurie Nadel is a specialist in acute stress, trauma, and anxiety issues. She is considered a thought leader in the emerging field of acute stress and PTSD.
From trauma to addictions–through workshops, lectures, and one-on-one sessions–her focus is helping people find new ways to heal.
Introduction
“The Five Gifts: Discovering Hope, Healing, and Strength When Disaster Strikes” by Laurie Nadel, PhD, was published in 2018 .Dr. Nadel begins the book by revealing how the trauma of losing her house in the wake of Hurricane Sandy in 2012 changed how she learned the value of family and friends. The aftermath of the hurricane helped her “let go and let God”. She began the book by sharing her New Year’s resolution of “throw out half of what you own and spend more time with friends”. Dr. Nadel then outlines how Hurricane Sandy flooded her home and destroyed her belongings as raw sewage eventually coated “the tile floor, walls, and every item in the house”. She asked herself how “were we supposed to do without power, phone service, or clean water?” Feeling helpless and confused, Dr. Nadel realized that the “normal” she had known was now gone.
“The Five Gifts” and the Coronavirus
The Five Gifts is for you if you have gone through a traumatic event such as the coronavirus. Everyone is in one way or another affected by the coronavirus. Dr. Nadel wrote, “…we need new thinking, new ways of processing intense emotions, and new behavioral choices”. We can learn to persevere through the changes the virus has brought us, from wearing masks to social distancing. The virus has brought about many changes that are part of the new normal. Events ranging from the way we go out to eat to how we attend church to how we send our children back to school have changed tremendously. As Dr. Nadel wrote, we will make it, “one step at a time”. In the first chapter, Dr. Nadel reminds her readers that change is not possible without loss, and loss does not occur without change.
What “The Five Gifts” Can Offer
Dr. Nadel found that people can pay a price for forgetting AND remembering. If people try to forget to escape their pain, then they can miss what “the Five Gifts” – humility, patience, empathy, forgiveness and growth – have to offer. None of the gifts are not something people would ask for in helping get through a crisis, Dr. Nadel emphasized. However, they can help people renew their energy when they feel empty emotionally, she added. Dr. Nadel reminds us that each gift are abstract nouns referring to concepts and traits with no material substance, such as love, hate, fear and courage.
Humility
Humility is not a gift that most people ask for. Instead of trying to control our lives, humility makes us be in awe of forces we have no control over. Dr. Nadel wrote that people “…become humble when the world shakes us to our roots and…begin to examine what’s important in our life”. As Americans, we tend to value being in control of our lives. We start to feel troubled when we realize that things can change in a minute. In our world, Dr. Nadel wrote, “humility holds no value until life pulls the proverbial rug out from under our feet”. But, Dr. Nadel added, research has found that we not only become more forgiving, but also generous, grateful and genuine in their relationships.
How Does Humility Change Us?
Humility forces us to examine what is important in our lives, research has found. Dr. Nadel wrote, “…humility gives us inner strength in surprising ways when we step into letting go of what we think should happen”. Dr. Nadel wrote that when we are humbled by what we lost, “we soften and realize there is so much we will never comprehend”. There is a larger force out in the world than we realize. We begin to understand that we will never be in complete control of our lives.
Traumatic events, such as the coronavirus, can help us become better than we were before the changes occurred. Without a doubt, life has changed from what we have always been familiar with. But we begin to learn about ourselves because of what has become known as “the new normal”. Dr. Nadel wrote that we know we have received the gift of humility when your whole being begins to relax, your shoulders drop, and your breathing begins to slow and deepen, and you begin to say “Aaah”.
Patience
Americans tend not to have a lot of patience. As of this writing, it is nearly six months since Americans became aware of the Coronavirus. Despite the desires of Americans to get “back to normal”, we are still literally waiting for permission from health officials to get back to our “normal” lives. Can we get back to “normal activities” such as attending parties, church and school without restrictions that include wearing a mask or practicing social distancing? Or are we going to have to wait until a vaccine or a cure is available to return to our “normal” lives? As Dr. Nadel wrote, if “humility helps you accept events outside your control, patience makes it easier to endure not knowing how long your pain will continue”.
Grief and Patience
Dr. Nadel wrote that grieving “is not a short-term experience. If you don’t accept grief as part of the cycle of life you are going to be impatient”. She added that “if you are not okay about breaking down in public”, patience will help you be easier on yourself if it occurs again. As difficult as it is, people need to be patient as they learn, heal, and grow, Dr. Nadel found. The gift of patience encourages us to accept that it will take time, but it will be OK, Dr. Nadel wrote. Patience and empathy are helpful in helping people heal after a loss. Empathy is very important in times of hardship, and should be shown to people grieving a loss instead of shaming them for not “getting over” a loss after a certain period of time, Dr. Nadel shared.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand the pain of others. Dr. Nadel found through research that empathy “is the gift of experiencing oneness with humanity…relieving pain for one, we are relieving pain for all”. Currently, there is much discussion about the safety of children returning to school as the pandemic continues. People can develop empathy for the students. They also are empathetic toward for teachers who are reluctant to go back to the classroom and parents who are concerned about their children’s health. Children under age 10 have died from the virus. Parents are especially concerned about sending their children back to school.
Dr. Nadel cited a study in which it was found that one can actually increase empathy for themselves when they “show empathy to others”. Unfortunately, neither our institutions nor American society at large really feel connected to the suffering of others unless it happens to them. There are still people who don’t believe the coronavirus is real. But once they are either diagnosed with it themselves or their loved ones are, then they begin to realize the virus is real. It is almost easier to understand the pain of others if they experience it firsthand. They also begin to feel compassion for others.
The Difference Between Empathy and Compassion
Empathy and compassion mean different things. Through research, the difference is that empathy means you are separate from the person, while compassion means you “are that person”, Dr. Nadel pointed out. She also points out that out of the five gifts, empathy is the only one among the five that any of us is likely to want”. Empathy helps us be connected to each other. Because of that, it is important that we are able to get through difficult times together. She found through her research that empathy is the gift we need to rebuild not only our support systems but also our institution. She added that empathy is needed because that is how we survive.
Empathy delivers what Dr. Nadel calls the three Cs: Contagious, Connectivity, and Community. The warm feelings generated by choices made with empathy are contagious, Dr. Nadel wrote. She added that empathy is equal to “connection in action and is integral and necessary for community resilience”.
Forgiveness
How is forgiveness a gift that is difficult for many? Research found that “forgiveness is a requirement for peace and healing”, Dr. Nadel wrote. The world’s religions teach us the value of forgiveness. It can be as difficult to forgive oneself as it is for others. Dr. Nadel shared that empathy and forgiveness are not interchangeable. People “…can receive the gift of empathy without forgiveness, but…cannot forgive without some degree of empathy for the perpetrator, and ultimately, for yourself”, Dr. Nadel explained. The saying “forgive and forget” is a difficult concept to live by. In addition, while you can forgive in order to heal yourself and go on with your life without feeling angry at the person who hurt you, you can never truly forget what happened.
How Forgiveness is Connected to Other “Gifts”
Forgiveness also requires patience, humility ,and empathy, Dr. Nadel wrote. We have all heard stories of survivors who forgave their loved one’s murderers. Most people find that very difficult to do. After all, they killed my loved one, and they’re allowed to continue to live their lives. Research has found that while the person offering forgiveness may not feel they forgave the person doing wrong right away, “eventually it will sink into your brain and your brain will make you realize you have forgiven them”, Dr. Nadel wrote. Lack of forgiveness has the potential to turn into hatred, and hatred makes it impossible to live with any kind of peace years after the incident occurred. Research has found that forgiveness is the most selfish thing you can do for yourself, Dr. Nadel found.
She found that there are two types of forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Researchers found that emotional forgiveness is when positive emotions replace negative unforgiving emotions, while decisional forgiveness is a “behavioral intention to resist an unforgiving stance and to respond differently towards a transgressor” Dr. Nadel wrote.
How Forgiveness Is Good For Our Health
Forgiveness can be good for your physical and emotional health. In order to get through a crisis, people need to be able to forgive each other. Research has found that forgiving can lead to “less anxiety and depression, better health outcomes, increased coping with stress and increased closeness to God and others”, Dr. Nadel wrote.
“Like the other four gifts, forgiveness is not a ‘thing’, that can be measured, weighed, or bought”, Dr. Nadel wrote. It is a state of mind and heart”, she added. Dr. Nadel wrote that when people believe that forgiveness is an on-off switch instead of a dial or spectrum that changes by the day, it makes it even harder to receive forgiveness as a gift. Forgiveness has been defined as “a blessing to ourselves and those at whom we are angry”, Dr. Nadel wrote. Forgiveness makes it easier to get through a crisis that has a potential to hurt us for years after the situation happened and the person involved “forgot” about it. Ultimately, it hurts the one unable to forgive instead of the one who inflicted pain on the person through words and/or actions.
Growth
“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is a popular saying. After going through a crisis, people begin to believe they can handle anything. Whether it’s changes in their health, or losing a loved one to cancer, heart disease, a car crash, or the coronavirus, they believe they are stronger because of their experience. They begin to believe they are able to adopt to changes that are inconvenient initially. People find they can learn to live with these changes, knowing they will be OK. They begin to realize that these changes are not to end their freedom, but to save their lives and those of their loved ones.
How is Growth Different from the Other “Gifts”?
Dr. Nadel pointed out that growth is different than the other four gifts in that it is “biological, mental, emotional, and spiritual”. Dr. Nadel found that while things may not appear to change following a challenging event, in reality, the first four gifts help nourish “seedlings” of ideas that grow inside the person. She goes on to say that although the loss is not something we would wish on anyone, people have gained knowledge, strength and hope as a result of our loss. After the loss, research has found, it may seem that it is all we think about, Dr. Nadel found. As time goes on, though, the loss is not the first thing we think about when we wake up, she continued.
People become better than who they were earlier because of the loss. They find they care more about the problems of other. People are more emphatic toward others and find it easier to forgive. Dr. Nadel compares growth after a loss to cutting a finger. The finger bleeds, and a bandage and an antibiotic is applied to the wound as the finger bleeds. Eventually, the wound heals. In a similar way, we are not conscious of how we grow after a loss, nor do we think about whether it is going to work and how it can be fixed, Dr. Nadel found. That we are able to grow safely, naturally, and organically is our birthright, she continued.
How Are Growth and Resilience Linked?
Growth and resilience are intertwined. We cannot bounce back to where we were, but we “can only bounce forward, Dr. Nadel wrote. She added that one definition of resilience is “an ability to recovery from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”. Change is a part of life that is difficult and painful. When people experience personal growth following the coronavirus or any other traumatic event, they become more resilient than they were before they suffered the trauma. They are stronger because they lived through the challenges of life changing events such as the coronavirus.
To Be Continued…
“The Five Gifts” and How Loss Leads to Hope, Healing and Strength (Part 2) is the next article in this series.
More Information
The Five Gifts: Discovering Hope, Healing and Strength When Disaster Strikes
